Checking In

                                                              Hello everyone!

I just wanted to do a little checking in:) I haven't posted on here in a while because I've been really stressed and it all just seemed like too much! I stayed home from church today because I was feeling pretty crummy.. So I've had lots of time to think ;)

Despite my body being all sickly and poorly. I'm having a "good mood" day. It's really sunny outside and I just feel really thankful for everything.. I got to spend time with a lot of my friends this week and it was such a blessing! One friend in particular I am just so thankful for... No matter what she's going through she is always so encouraging and gentle and such a joy to be around! I honestly wish that more of us chose that outlook in life. (I'm definitely guilty of falling short in this..)

I think it's sad that we can have so much in life and still have such a negative energy that we choose to send out to people... There will always be- no matter what, something to be enormously thankful for! I wonder why it's so much easier to focus on the one bad thing than it is to focus on the 10 or whatever good things! It's obviously a different story when you are in a time of depression or anxiety, but if you can, try to simply appreciate the good and simple things in life! Lately I've heard of a lot of people who have special journals where everyday, they write a few things that they are happy and thankful for...and it really helped them! Positivity is contagious.. So I'm going to share what I'm thankful for...I hope you guys will write in the comments what you're thankful for, start a journal, or just make the decision to focus on good things!:)

1.)  I'm thankful for the sunshine!

2.) I'm thankful for my wonderful friends and family!

3.) I'm thankful God gave me the love of adventure and dreaming!

4.) I'm thankful for the people who have helped and encouraged me along this health journey!

5.) And lastly I'm thankful for all the new opportunities each day brings!


I hope you all have a wonderful ( and hopefully ) sunshiney day :)

Summer

                                  Seriously ready for some summer sunshine and adventures!

Healthy Hair!

On a happier note... I decided to help my hair out a little. My hair takes a ridiculously long amount of time to grow...and when it does grow, I get split ends almost immediately. Boo. SO in effort to grow some luscious locks, I'm going to see how long I can go without using little to no heat, and no teasing either. I also want to get hooked up with some good vitamins for hair. I know biotin is a huge one. Do you guys have any other suggestions? :)  

Putting on a Mask

I've realized the last few years in dealing with depression, anxiety, and now Lyme Disease and Hypothyroidism, sometimes you need to be fake and pretend. I've had so many times where I was hanging out with friends or at a church function and I was on the verge of breaking down mentally, or I felt like I was going to black out and someone would come up to me and say, " why aren't you smiling!? You look depressed!" Uhm. I am depressed? I know these are always well intended comments and are only said to get you talking. But honestly, none of us will never know what someone is going through- so it's good to be a little conscious of that.

Instead of breaking down and admitting I am depressed or am in serious physical pain, I always just giggle and give them the smile they desperately need.

A lot of people have also said to me, or to my family that they don't understand how I'm sick because I always look so healthy and I take good care of myself. To be honest, I'm kind of glad they don't realize the extent of what happens when you have these illnesses- it makes it easier to hide and not talk about. Even the closest of friends could never know what someone is going through unless they ask and are there for a panic attack or watch the color drain out of your face and see your hands start to shake as your body covers itself in sweat.

I've always told my self to not share any of this and to quietly sneak out when these symptoms start to arise. Someone will be having a conversation with me and in my head I hear nothing they're saying- I smile and nod, while thinking to myself to grab the chair for support and steady my breathing. But this really isn't fair to myself. I wish I would have learned this earlier..But if you are on the verge of a panic attack, or are thinking you're about to faint, you should sit down! You shouldn't force yourself to appear like everything is perfect.

A friend said this to me the other day who is very familiar with these illnesses. She said "If you had cancer people would be lining up at your door asking how you are doing and bringing you food, but you have an illness that no one wants to believe exists." It makes them uncomfortable. So me and just about every one else who struggles will do so silently. I'm thankful for these illnesses because I now know to watch out for those who may be struggling and to never force any thing on someone. And I can understand what others are going through..That at least I am thankful for...

Honesty

I've struggled with how honest I want to be in this blog. Besides the beauty and fashion posts, most of what I share is very personal and I would probably be too embarrassed to tell any one in person! But I want to continue the mindset that each of us has a unique story and testimony to share. I think it would be selfish of me to keep my story all to myself and never use it to help or relate to others...

So with that being said...I'm going to dive in deep and share with you all. Last week was pretty rough. Even on my really bad days I always have hope that some day, some doctor will be able to help me. They will figure out whats wrong with me and why my body rejects everything good. And I'll finally be happy. But then I had this thought of "what if no body can fix me". I had never thought of that before...But what if I will always be this way? What if ten years from now I'm still plagued with anxiety and depression? What if I still can't do normal tasks like take a shower or clean my room?

I don't really have an uplifting note to end on. I'm just trying to be honest... Asking the Lord to revive my hope and trust in Him. And choosing not to be ashamed of my story- it may inspire.